Parenting vs partnering

So my hubby and me have been having the same issue over and over since the girls were born…. He feels that he is not getting enough or the kind of attention from me and I feel that he is not involved enough or understanding of my exhaustion level.

It happened again. I have been fighting a cold (sinus infection & walking pneumonia) and going on my third week, I am better but still tired with a cough. He wants me to be more loving (different then how I am showing it – more sexual), have more attention for him and put him before the kids more than I do. It’s not too much to ask but I feel like he doesn’t help me get there. I mean I have been sleeping upright every night due to my chest congestion and that makes my back spasm and hurt. My headache has been constant due to sinus issues which causes my even my hair to hurt.

So I have been feeling like I’m only here to mothering the twins and be at my husbands call. We got into a little spat… I didn’t react the we felt I should and made some passive aggressive comments. I started to respond but couldn’t do it. What he said made me feel like I am the worst wife/mother in fucking world. He just wounded me. I needed to get out but couldn’t so I ran to take a shower to wash away my feelings. it really didn’t but I was able to put them away have a good dinner with the family.

Why is we can be so hurtful to our loved ones? Why can we hold on to grudges for such a long time? Why as mothers, we can’t be more woman or not to forget we are women not just moms?

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Happy 2013

So with all the fun talk about the fiscal cliff, gun regulations, gay marriage, higher taxes, house values, etc… been a tense year.

I am a liberal and conservative both… I believe in government but with restrain. So, I believe in gun regulations but not a complete ban (please don’t pepper me with insults or threats), I believe civil union is a fiscal status and marriage is a religious one so I think civil unions should be allowed for anyone committing to another person and marriage in a church will be decided by that church/religion, higher taxes suck but we need to get out of the mess wall street got is in and since no one wants to hold them and the large companies accountable (job creators!) I guess it falls to us… the little people, house values are finally starting to level off and get (somewhat) better and finally the horrible climate to which our politicians are communicating…. polarizing.

Remember when we could express freely our views and opinions and not be threaten, blackmailed, bullied into submission or dismissed altogether? Remember when views and opinions were just that and not presented as fact? Remember when you were told to be scared of something, and it was o.k. to question why? Remember when you could have conversations with others that may not agree with you but you at least respected their position no matter how much the opposite it was from yours – and you listened to TRY to understand… not agree but understand?

It is so hard to try to teach my girls about tolerance, the art of conversation, how to debate, politeness, selflessness and just to be a nice preschooler when the adults in their atmosphere aren’t capable of any of it.

I find myself nervous to broach certain topics with my friends and family, for fear of the aggressive climate we are in and may not be heard. Instead of risking a full out fight, which could lead to some not nice words, actions and sometimes threatening behavior. I feel it is more important to have conversations with my immediate family (husband & little ones) about what our thoughts, knowledge and feelings are about different subjects and build off that. I know I should show my girls that you need to be strong in your convictions and not shrink away from others and I do when I need to stand up for anyone that needs it (family, friends, causes, etc) but honestly….. I am exhausted. I feel like everyone likes to express every fucking thought that comes to their mind and broadcast via twitter, facebook, google+ etc….. I have deleted my twitter account & google and FB is now only giving me updates on folks I want to keep up with… I have removed that severely threatening and sometimes over the top aggressive notifications that actually make my blood pressure boil. They have every right to express themselves but I have every right to not have to be subjected by it. Also, we as a family are going to UNPLUG every Sunday (no email, cell, games, text, social media, etc) just plain old land line, playing, books and TV. And Thursday evenings as well.

Now I know this seems like I am being pretty hypocritical since I have a blog and all but I am not forcing anyone to read it or throwing up my demeaning words onto everyone else…. you can choose to read this or not.

So, for this new year my only hope (resolution) is to be kinder, nicer and more tolerant and also to be more fiscal minded (hubby will be happy) and to try to pass these ethics/values/morals onto our girls. I want them to grow up to be strong, smart, opinionated but excellent communicators & listeners, funny and polite members of the community.

That was exhausting. I think I am done now – please be gentle with me if you choose to comment.

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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc

It was a wonderful Christmas for us…. I am so very lucky we have a nice home, food on our tables and love/warmth as not everyone is as lucky.

The girls had a wonderful time opening “surprises” from Santa and playing with their gifts… and luckily they didn’t have too much under the tree. They asked for books and they got books… and dress up clothes and Cat in the Hat stuff… also got a LeapFrog iPad. They love it.

They are fighting a cold and have been feverish for about a week now but nothing too bad. They have been just really quite tired.

It was fun watching them this year as they are really starting to get Christmas and not just ooohhh presents. They are starting to understand that they need to be good to get surprises from Santa. It is only going to get better as they get older.

Anyhow, wishing you and yours a very SAFE Happy New Year!!!

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Funny things my daughters have said….

Angie fighting a cold and voice was hoarse “Momma, my face is not working!”

Izzy talking to her Daddy while watching football “Daddy!  Calm Down!!”  (Foot stomp)

Mommy “You are so cute, I could just eat you up!”  Izzy (serious) “No, Momma.  You’ll choke”

Angie has a runny nose “Momma, can I get a new nose?  Mine isn’t working right now”

Angie & Izzy “Momma, I want to run around naked!”

Angie “I want to dance, Momma”

12/19/12

“Santa won’t forget about me right Momma?” (Angie)
“Momma, Santa doesn’t want all these cookies, I want some.” (Izzy)
12/25/12

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Anniversary

Yesterday was my Hubby and mine’s 8th Anniversary! Woo hoo. We went out to a very nice (read: expensive) dinner and just relaxed and talked. About everything and nothing. We laughed, got a little emotional (me), joked, caught up with each other and overall (sigh) remembered why we love each other so much.

While we don’t always agree or even get along I know he would move heaven and earth for me and the girls. And I would do the same for him.

Our life together as parents of preschoolers and children of a parent now living with us.. makes for new and changing roles. We are still trying to figure it out. Well, I am trying to figure it out. Having two mothers under the same roof is always a challenge but when they are so polar opposite of each other in beliefs and parenting styles – is……………………….. interesting.

It is weird to think that this woman raised the man I love and have so much in common with and yet have very little in common with her. I mean on big things we do…. Family is important. Love and cherish, blah blah blah, but on politics, religion, parenting, etc so very different.

I think with the guilt and conflicted feelings I have about working and confusion and unsteadiness at home (two mothers) I am a bit lost. Confused. Plus add we just moved to Minneapolis (area) 90 days ago, so still trying to get my feet under me to begin with… and still recovering from hip surgery not quite a year ago. I think I have learned I have a limit. Hard and fast.

I suppose I should be thankful and happy to have all I have but I still want peace… in my and our lives. How do you get peace?

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working or SAHM

So, I have been working now (Part-time) for 3 weeks… and the guilt I feel is strong and deep enough that I am have a crisis of sorts.

I am feeling guilty for the following reasons:
a) I am not there to take my girls to school nor pick them up.. listen to them yak away about nonsense and listen to them learn and use new words.
b) I am not home to make dinner, go grocery shopping, clean up (which shocked me the most), read, etc
c) Not giving my whole (100%) at work because I am always worried about home.. plus only working PT
d) worried if I give my 100% to work that leaves nothing for being a Mom and wife.
e) most important, I just feel like I am failing as a mother and wife since I am distracted at home and distracted work. Nothing is winning right now. Especially me.

Then there is the added guilt of not contributing to the family income, showing my girls a woman can be more than just a SAHM, and being successful at work. And while working is great – it is actually putting us in the negative money wise since the girls are in 3 day 1/2 day preschool and then daycare for the rest of the day.

It has profoundly changed my behavior at home. I am acting bi-polar towards my hubby (like it is his fault – even though he is trying to be supportive), distracted with the girls, neglectful with the dogs, neglectful with myself and all around grumpy.

As Christmas and the new year come fast and furious.. I am thinking I am just not ready for the business world yet. I think I need to spend more time with the girls at least until they are in FT school (kindergarten) and then I will be more prepared to work and feel less guilty about not being at home during the day since no one else will be either. I still feel like I am not fully moved in yet either since we just moved late September… life is moving too fast for me right now. I feel lost.

Plus, I am trying to figure out if I want to work in an office doing mundane shit. Dealing with office politics, etc. I have been pretty happy not to have to worry about it. Didn’t realize until I came back.

So now, I need to tell my bosses (and wonderful friend) that I am not ready to be here… that maybe I can finish these projects off for them but then quietly bow out and fade away… not sure how to say or do this without hurting him.

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To work or not work… that is the question

So now that we are (somewhat) settled in Minnesota, I have to decide if I want to go back to work and if so, part-time or full-time.  I am really at a cross roads I did not believe I would be at; I have always believed I would be aching to go back to work.  I am not.

Now, I have to figure out if I can get over the “mommy” guilt of going back – most of it self imposed – and if I really can be good at both being a mommy and an employee.

This is not a hit to working mommies or me being critical of anyone… this is really all about me.  I just know how I am.  I know that once I start getting involved at work, I will take pride at the job I do..  and will want to put more and more into it.  That is who I am.  I will find more and more things to do to make myself more valuable and learn more…  even if it is only part-time.

Now if I do this, I am realizing something will have to suffer… which will be my family.  I will have to rely on outside help more and more (whether my MIL or other childcare) and be less involved with my kids and husband.  I am unable to do both successfully.  Now I have not tried it (except for that brief time in Colorado when I had my own business and had twins that were 1 year old) but I do realize how tired I am  now and that I would have less energy if I worked for the kids.  Also, I see my husband how limited his time is with the family and how stressed and sad he is about the time has available for us.  And, I think he is a good hubby as he does put in the time with us but he is being pulled into that age old battle… home life vs work life.  Depending on the week, one of the “lifes” loses.  (and we need the work life to be just as important as that allows us to have a great home life)

Then come the financial piece… since being out of the work force for 4+ years, my income would not be where it used to be therefore does it become cost effective to work and put kids into childcare?  Should I wait until they are in full time school and that is not until 1st grade.  Kindergarden is morning or afternoon here and they don’t qualify for kindergarden for another year (2014-2015)…  I am so confused.

Lastly comes my sanity.  I need to be around other adults and not always are the moms always taking applications for new friends or have a lot/a little in common with them.  I am pretty weird about what I want to do with my kids and family…  I don’t talk about my hubby negatively (while he has faults – really a good guy), I don’t need a fancy home or I am just too liberal (granola) for most.

 

So…..  I am at a loss…. what to do.

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