So, I have been working now (Part-time) for 3 weeks… and the guilt I feel is strong and deep enough that I am have a crisis of sorts.
I am feeling guilty for the following reasons:
a) I am not there to take my girls to school nor pick them up.. listen to them yak away about nonsense and listen to them learn and use new words.
b) I am not home to make dinner, go grocery shopping, clean up (which shocked me the most), read, etc
c) Not giving my whole (100%) at work because I am always worried about home.. plus only working PT
d) worried if I give my 100% to work that leaves nothing for being a Mom and wife.
e) most important, I just feel like I am failing as a mother and wife since I am distracted at home and distracted work. Nothing is winning right now. Especially me.
Then there is the added guilt of not contributing to the family income, showing my girls a woman can be more than just a SAHM, and being successful at work. And while working is great – it is actually putting us in the negative money wise since the girls are in 3 day 1/2 day preschool and then daycare for the rest of the day.
It has profoundly changed my behavior at home. I am acting bi-polar towards my hubby (like it is his fault – even though he is trying to be supportive), distracted with the girls, neglectful with the dogs, neglectful with myself and all around grumpy.
As Christmas and the new year come fast and furious.. I am thinking I am just not ready for the business world yet. I think I need to spend more time with the girls at least until they are in FT school (kindergarten) and then I will be more prepared to work and feel less guilty about not being at home during the day since no one else will be either. I still feel like I am not fully moved in yet either since we just moved late September… life is moving too fast for me right now. I feel lost.
Plus, I am trying to figure out if I want to work in an office doing mundane shit. Dealing with office politics, etc. I have been pretty happy not to have to worry about it. Didn’t realize until I came back.
So now, I need to tell my bosses (and wonderful friend) that I am not ready to be here… that maybe I can finish these projects off for them but then quietly bow out and fade away… not sure how to say or do this without hurting him.